"This year doesn't have to be like every other year." I believe that.
My whole life I've had this strange desire to be a runner. I always thought it would be so cool to live in a place where I could go running in the morning on a sidewalk. I literally have visions of myself in cute workout attire running with the sun rising. And, it seems that my whole life I have been working towards becoming this "ideal sarah." Ideally, she runs and has long hair and journals every single day. Ideal Sarah eats eggs and cheerios and has a water bottle with her everywhere. This girl takes notes in class and has an ipod.
What's sad is how every day that I have failed to be that girl, I have not been happy. It's this sick, twisted thing how each time I miss a day of journaling I think I'm not good enough. I am only this particular girl if I do things consistently and with dedication. And, that ideal is what I live for. I invented her. I invented this girl that if I succeeded to be her, then I would be satisfied. Not that I don't enjoy some of those things. But I realize now how much happier I could have been all these years.
Because... I finally grew my hair out. I journal everyday. I run almost every day. I eat omelets, and love them. I even wake up early. And I'm definitely not satisfied. Something else isn't going to make this all go away... another checklist to becoming ideal isn't the answer. The only answer is Jesus and finding satisfaction and identity in Him. I know this, but why doesn't knowing this help?
What ever made long hair and cheerios better than short and hating them anyway?
1 comment:
I still think of you with short hair. You can't escape it in my mind. And you can't escape being beautiful.
"we always see what we're not."
-girl from small group.
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